


in this life

by starkreactor



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Kind of Soulmate AU, Loki has feelings, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Tony Stark, Tony Feels, Unrequited Love, but it is temporary so i didn't use the warning, if you squint real hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 17:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13253094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkreactor/pseuds/starkreactor
Summary: it's new year's eve and tony gets a visitor that changes his life for better or for worse. in this life, he'd say it's for worse, but in another, it's for the better.





	in this life

**Author's Note:**

> i was hit with the angst bug, wanted to write a short drabble of frostiron angst and got 4.7k instead. graphic depiction of violence is for a paragraph but i figured that should be tagged.
> 
> note: there is a character death but it is temporary and mentioned in only one sentence.

Every year Tony tries to be a better him, tries to right his past’s wrongs and develop a future that would benefit from him existing, rather than suffer from his affairs. It’s been a hard task since becoming Iron Man; evil people with nefarious goals have come out of the woodworks and decided that they want to destroy his legacy and make the world a living hell. Almost every year it becomes harder for Tony to develop the future he envisions, let alone save the world from being absolutely destroyed by alien beings so there _is_ a future he can help create.

In the mean time, such things as maintaining healthy personal relationships and good mental health (Natasha always makes sure Tony's physical health is the best his body and work habits can handle), while controlling self destructive impulsive behaviors falls to the wayside for Tony. It’s why he’s currently nursing the wounds in his heart from a long-term relationship that couldn’t work out and from a fragile friendship with someone he’s tried to be all his life broken over idealogical differences.

He’s depressed, PTSD induced nightmares still consuming his dreams, anger that no one seems to understand the threats out in space that are coming for this world. He hates that he’s the one cursed with this knowledge; sure everyone else believes him to an extent but they haven’t seen what _he_ did. They haven’t almost died sending a nuke up a portal to fucking aliens like he did. And they still have the gall to say he makes everything about his ego.

So, Tony’s done with drinking, at least with drinking himself stupid, and he’s focused on trying to get his life back on track as best as he can. He starts working on a new shield prototype for Steve despite all the anger he harbors toward that man, works on a belt for Thor whose disappearance made things difficult for Tony with the accords, hulkbuster armor for if Bruce ever comes back. He keeps retiring from being in the armor--first after Killian, then after Ultron, and again after the Sokovia Accords--but he can’t stop being Iron Man, he just _can’t_. Not with this looming threat, not with his family fractured, not with the future he wants to create seemingly seconds from being destroyed. 

On New Year’s Eve, he’s standing alone on the landing pad for Avenger’s tower, staring out at the city he calls his home. There's only a few hours left in the year and the moon is high above shining moonlight that’s only swallowed up by the bright lights of New York City. It bothers him, being unable to see the stars even though what’s beyond them frightens him to his core. He still has armor, Mark 47, so he suits up and blasts off upstate, trying to find somewhere he can be free of light pollution and look up at the darkness to see twinkling lights. What city (or state) he lands doesn’t matter as long as he can be free of responsibilities as best as possible.

He's out in a field, sitting on a barn house looking up at the yellows and silvers that sparkle above. Friday is off and muted, he doesn’t want to hear her pester him about Stark Industries or Avengers business while he’s trying to enjoy his night. Tony is interrupted from his stargazing though, but it’s a completely unexpected voice instead.

“I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Tony turns, faceplate down and arms poised toward the sound with charging repulsors glowing in the night. “What are you doing here; you’re _dead_.”

“Evidently not,” the other man drawls, slithering out of the shadows with a dark look in his eyes and a frown on his lips, “but I came here to enjoy the sights.”

Tony's nervous, he doesn’t know if he should attack or not. Thor said Loki died to save him but the god is evidently still alive. This only means Loki didn’t die and so he tricked Thor, which warrants an attack. “Are you out here daydreaming about how this sight could have been yours?”

Loki laughs; it’s not maniacal like it was all those years ago and if it were from anyone else, Tony would crack a smile at how good it sounds. Instead, he scowls. “No,” the god sighs heavily, “I don’t want this realm anymore. I have better and more important things to worry about.”

“Why are you here then?”

“As I said, to enjoy the sights.” he pauses and then looks back up at the stars. “I had to visit someone earlier.”

That throws Tony for a loop and he lowers just one hand to show that he’s not immediately about to shoot, but he still will if necessary. “You got some secret lair we haven’t discovered yet?”

Loki shakes his head. “You probably won’t believe me, but no. I mean it when I say I have no more interest in this realm. Not in that manner at least.”

The god is right, Tony doesn’t believe him. “Sure.” The silence between them festers as Loki still looks up at the stars. 

“The All-Father is here,” he says nonchalantly as if it’s any other day that he basks under the night sky chatting with people he’s tried to kill. On second thought, it wouldn’t surprise Tony if that’s in fact something Loki does. Villains tend to be able to do such a thing given they won’t hesitate to betray and kill when it’s convenient for them. It's heroes with morals and soft-hearts who give people like Loki the chance to be someone to sympathize with.

But Tony's not a hero.

“I don’t care why he’s here, I don’t even know where he could be, I just don’t like _you_ being here.” his other hand is up now, both palms pointing toward the god. “You're not getting sympathy points from me, Mr. Dark and Brooding, so go magic yourself elsewhere.”

Loki turns from the stars to face Tony. “I don’t want sympathy, Stark, and if I wanted to kill you, you’d be dead and you know it. So power down your repulsers and enjoy the last few minutes of your year.”

Tony takes a good look at Loki now, noting the casual gray hoodie and dark jeans dressing his body, even the ponytail his long dar hair is pulled back in. This is weird, it’s more than weird, it’s too informal and casual and it makes Tony more uncomfortable than if Loki was in his armor like the last time Tony's seen him. “Why are you on Earth?”

“So many questions, Stark; do you love the sound of your voice so much you can’t hush even to admire the scenery?” Loki sounds exasperated in a weirdly fond way, arms crossed as he continues to stand before Tony. “If you wanted a chat, you should return to your Avengers. I'm not here to talk.”

“You're the one who started the conversation.”

He’s silent for a moment too long. “I was surprised to see you is all.”

“Oh, and I don’t have the right to be just as surprised to see you and ask questions? Because lemme check something,” he looks at his wrist as if checking the time on a watch, “it’s been years since you tried to kill me and my city and forced me to send that nuke up your fucking portal.”

Tony's getting flustered and frustrated now, which doesn’t bode well for maintaining any sane conversation. He shouldn’t be getting emotional near this god, it’s obvious Loki will play with emotions to get what he wants as he’s faked his death for his own _brother_.

“I didn’t force you to do anything, you chose that fate yourself.” Loki looks back at the stars as if they have answers he’s searching for. Maybe in his world they do. “The All-Father is here,” he repeats as if tony hadn’t interrupted with his refusal to listen, “and he is ill. I've been checking up on him and indirectly others in the process.” he looks like he’s about to say more but he stops as he inspects Tony with curious eyes. Loki looks away to continue, “I can’t visit any longer after tonight.”

It doesn’t sound like what he was about to say, so Tony pesters.

“Your point?”

“There is none. It's just simple fact.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because after I leave you will try to figure out why I am here. You don’t believe me, I can hear it in your voice, so you will try to figure out if my words are true. You will find that they are and then feel guilty about assuming I was here to terrorize your world again.” he flicks his wrist and Tony's faceplate is gone, leaving the brunette’s face exposed to cold winter winds. Loki's green eyes are glowing in the dark night and Tony feels himself shiver from the intensity of their shared gaze as the god steps closer. “I don’t want you to be guilty over me, so believe me now. You're a turmoil of emotions already.”

“I'd never feel guilt about thinking you’re a villain because that’s just who you _are_.” Tony takes a step back but Loki takes two forward. "I'd only be relieved you decided to spare me.”

Loki laughs again, the same laugh with a crooked smile that’s not insane at the corners but certainly crazed in the middle. “Oh, Stark,” he coos, “you’re really such a treat for conversation compared to the buffoons I have spend hours with. I quite like you.”

“Thanks but no thanks on the compliment, didn’t you say you’re not here for conversation?”

“Then why are you still here talking with me?”

“Because I was at this barn first and you sneaked up on me and to hell if you think I'm going to leave you out of my sight now that I know you’re here!”

The god looks as done as he sounds. “I'm a sorcerer, Stark; I could be gone from your sight before your brain even processes the neural signal to blink.”

“Then why aren’t _you_ gone?”

“I told you,” he motions from Tony to the sky, “I'm here for the sights.”

Tony is annoyed, beyond annoyed really. His entire life is falling apart because this insanely disturbed murderous god just had to have a breakdown on Tony's planet over being the lesser sibling and decides to rain aliens into Tony's life and give him PTSD in the process and indirectly bring him to Ultron and Vision and the Sokovia Accords and then Loki has the fucking _nerve_ to stand before Tony as casually as he is and act like nothing has happened.

“Fuck you,” Tony hisses, fists clenched and eyes burning with unshed tears and the sheer anger he has toward this being before him. The one that encompasses the reason for his biggest fear but stands here dressed as if he belongs on earth. “Honest to god, fuck you. I hope you die for real sometime soon so you can stop making other people’s lives a fucking hell.”

Loki blinks. “ _I've_ made _your_ life a hell? You think this now is hell?” the next bought of laughter is not as kind as the previous two. “You mortals are so ignorant on what it means to be in a living hell. Trust me, you’re not living a, quote unquote, fucking hell.”

“Who are you to define what makes my life a goddamn catastrophe?” Tony's yelling now, anger boiling over his emotion pot. “You're part of the reason why I'm like this, this fucking mess!”

“No Stark, this,” he waves a hand at Tony as if presenting him to a crowd, “is on you.” the god is closer now, too close, but Tony's at the edge of the barn house and he’ll fall off if he steps back. He has his repulsors and he can certainly keep himself airborne, but that’s almost like running away and he needs to face this, he needs to confront why the future he keeps trying to prepare for is consistently destroyed right in his withering hands.

Loki's eyes are emerald green, his nose is sleek and pointy, cheekbones high and sharp, Tony realizes, finding himself noting details as if he’s really about to die and wants to take in his last living moments. Sure, the god said if he wanted Tony dead he’d definitely be dead but that can change any moment now and Tony's not sure if he’s fast enough to be able to counter any attacks. The god raises a hand to Tony's face, cupping the man’s left cheek as he brushes a calloused thumb across Tony's goatee. Tony is frozen with fear and adrenaline, fight or flight instinct is going to kick in any second now and his body doesn’t know which would actually let him survive this encounter.

He should have bolted as soon as Loki spoke, he should have ran and called Steve and forgiven everyone for the Accords so they can be together again and fight this god and his alien army and kill him for good. He shouldn’t have talked, he didn’t even have any sympathy for the god, but fuck, of course Loki would have sympathy for _him_.

Tony is not a hero but neither is Loki and that’s what allows this entire conversation to occur.

“Happy New Year, Stark,” the god whispers, much too close for it to be comfortable. Tony can see the specks of natural blue in his crisp green eyes. Loki has both hands lightly gripping his head now but Tony thinks he’s really gonna die, get his head crushed between those hands like an egg. He can taste warmth in Loki's breath as it ghosts against his lips. “In another life, we could be friends. Maybe more.”

“More,” chokes Tony with surprise, but the rest of his breath is stolen in an unexpected kiss.

Loki's lips are cold like the wind but his breath is pure fire against Tony's tongue. Tony wants to fight, he probably should fight back because honestly _what the fuck_ but he can’t find it in him to try. The good news is that he’s not being killed, he doesn’t taste any poison in the kiss and anyway, if flavorless magic poison is the way Loki plans to take him out, Tony can’t say he’s too disappointed. At least Loki kisses really well.

He doesn’t wrap his arms around Loki, doesn’t put an armored hand on the back of the god’s neck. He only moves his lips, slowly at first, to return the kiss as his eyes flutter closed. But Loki doesn’t kiss for long or is it too long, Tony's lost for time, all he knows is that Loki stops and Tony's gasping for air and the god is shaking his head like he’s sorry or shamed or something.

“I assure you anything important I've said was the truth,” he murmurs as his hands drop from Tony's head. “Besides, even if I did lie, the best lies have a fair amount of truth to them.” he tilts his head as if examining the complete wreck he’s made of Tony and smiles softly. it's unusual to see on his face but it’s not quite unwelcome. “You're excitingly intriguing, Tony.” 

Tony wants to ask what the hell that entire situation was but Loki is gone before his brain can process the neural signal to blink. He steps back, forgetting he’s on the edge of the barn house roof and lets out a shocked cry as he falls. He manages to catch himself and he hovers near the edge, staring at the spot Loki had been a minute or so before.

Tony lightly presses armored fingers to his still tingling lips, caught in his thoughts as he can still taste Loki on his tongue. This is definitely not the new years kiss he was expecting tonight. For now though, he manages to get his brain focused on Loki's words to try to get a grip on why this happened.

_Even if I did lie, the best lies have a fair amount of truth to them._

Tony furrows his brow as he fires his repulsors to get back to his tower. How is he supposed to know what part of Loki's words are truth and what parts are lies?

_After I leave you will try to figure out why I am here. You don’t believe me, I can hear it in your voice, so you will try to figure out if my words are true. You will find that they are and then feel guilty about assuming I was here to terrorize your world again._

The brunette snorts, hating that he’s doing exactly what Loki said he would, but he needs to know. why would Loki think Tony will feel guilty for Loki's words having truth to them?

 _I'm here for the sights_.

Sights is plural, what else could Loki been here for? Tony's eyes narrow as he speeds through the sky, heart in his throat as he remembers the last time Loki said that he had motioned not just to the sky, but also Tony himself.

_I've been checking up on him and indirectly others in the process._

Indirectly others. is Tony one of those others?

_I quite like you._

Oh. Oh, no. Tony thought that was just a passing comment, things someone says to say they like the conversation.

_Trust me, you’re not living a, quote unquote, fucking hell._

There was an implied _I am_ after those words, wasn’t there. Fuck.

_In another life, we could be friends. Maybe more._

No, no, no.

Tony can barely stand on his legs by the time he gets back to the launching pad, his armor disassembling at touchdown. He feels weak and dizzy, unable to process the conclusion he’s come to. This can’t be real, this can’t be the truth, Loki has to be lying about all of this, trying to drive Tony even more insane before his next plan. But Tony can’t deny it, Loki was smiling and laughing and content. He was happy near Tony and the kiss just seals the deal that he’s got _feelings_.

No poison other than the truth came from that sorcerer’s mouth tonight.

Against his will, Tony starts feeling the guilt Loki knew he would have by figuring out the truth. It's not guilt that he doesn’t feel the same way because Loki is right. In another life, maybe they could have been friends or more, even in this life given enough time things could have worked out. But time isn’t something Tony has with the end of the universe looming over his head every waking moment of his day.

Life is kind of twisted that way.

Tony's hands start to shake as he walks to the built in bar in the penthouse and grabs a shot glass and a half-empty tumbler. The guilt stems from the fact--the truth--that Loki likes _him_ , Tony Stark of all people. A complete and utter wreck of a human being who’s probably going to die in the next five years and Loki's an alien god who lives for thousands of years and has to suffer in a _living hell_ knowing he’s fallen for someone who despises him. Someone he won’t get the chance to reconcile with, someone he won’t get to let like him back simply because he won’t be here.

_I can’t visit any longer after tonight._

“Fuck,” Tony mumbles as he downs the first shot, then another, another, _another_. He wants to wash this away, burn the taste of Loki from his mouth with the sting of alcohol and wash the memories of his voice with the numbness that follows. But Loki's breath is fire and the alcohol burns Tony's mouth more than it should so he stops after the sixth shot. His brain is too awake, working too much to allow alcohol to numb him.

The clock on the wall says it’s an hour into the new year but Tony already feels like this year isn’t going to be any better. He's faced the source of the start of his fear, got a horrific truth in return, and now probably has to face Loki again on the opposite side of the battle field knowing he told Loki he’ll never feel guilty about him because all he’ll be is a villain.

Loki a villain is incapable of falling in love.

Every year Tony tries to be a better him, tries to right his past’s wrongs and develop a future that would benefit from him existing, rather than suffer from his affairs. His lips are still burning from Loki's goodbye kiss and he’s slumped against the wall with the thought that maybe this year will be a future that benefits from him existing, but for Loki, it’ll be one that suffers from Tony's affairs. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does--Loki's tried to kill him and his friends, lied to his brother about his death, disappeared doing who knows what for years--but Tony can’t help it.

It still hurts when later that year, the invasion Tony’s been preparing for since Loki's finally comes and Loki's on the other side of the battle field, golden-green magic curling about his body in a menacing manner like his wry smirk. Thor is going ballistic and crying, begging Loki to stop being so goddamn stupid after all they went through to save each other and their people. Tony can only stand there in his Heartbreaker armor, something he started a month after Loki's visit to distract himself from that truth (and aptly named at that), and look up at the being who loves him, or loved him, Tony doesn’t even know anymore.

Those green eyes gloss over Tony like he doesn’t fucking exist and it shouldn’t hurt as much as it does--Loki should be over him by now, he said goodbye and knows he can’t continue caring about his enemy--but Tony can’t help it.

Time may have been short but Tony makes the most of it like he always does, he’s a genius and an entrepreneur he knows how to get the most bang for his buck, and he found himself caring about his enemy in return.

When the battle starts and there’s bodies on either side piling up, Tony catches glimpses of Loki's magic and hates himself for looking out. _Who's_   _living in hell now_ , he snorts to himself, blasting a few aliens from a nearby building.

It's while he’s looking out (hating himself more and more when his eyes can’t help but follow those familiar flashes) that he notices what no one else catches. That Loki isn’t fighting them anymore, he’s fighting the aliens he’s brought down with Thanos. He's  _helping_  Earth, killing the creatures in a way the Avengers and Guardians haven’t been able to before, and the shock of that realization distracts Tony enough to get knocked out of the air by an array of bullets.

Everything else is a haze of war and carnage.

There's a cry and then there’s blood. There's death and decay. Peter Parker is flying across the way and crashing to the floor unconscious. Pepper, who he had reconciled with (but their dating days are over, they just couldn’t work things out) and given her own Iron Man suit _Rescue_ , is punched in the face and disabled. Steve, or Nomad as he dropped the Captain America moniker once he became a war criminal, is thrown into a building like a rag doll and won’t get up. Bruce's Hulkbuster suit is torn to pieces and he’s barely breathing across the field.

Tony's worst nightmare is coming true right before his eyes and he’s unable to stop it despite all his efforts since Loki's invasion.

He's hovering over Peter's broken body, wanting to throw up for ever dragging this kid into this mess, for breaking May's promise to bring him back alive, when he sees Thanos is distracted by a flash of golden-green.

In another life, Tony wouldn’t have cared and he would have kept all his focus on the dying boy in his arms, but it’s _this_ life, where he caught up with time and made something happen, and he looks up and watches Thanos grab Loki by his neck, strangling him as he picks up the god like he’s nothing more than a slip of paper. "I knew you were weak,” Thanos growls, his voice sending tremors through everything, “I should have been wiser but I trusted a trickster to care about his own life. Figures that he cares about someone else’s even more.”

Loki can’t reply, Tony can’t see his face, and maybe it’s a good thing he can’t because Thanos simply snaps Loki's neck like a pencil and tosses the limp body to the side like _trash_.

It's the last thing Tony sees before everything around him is swallowed in a wave of green and suddenly, he’s in the penthouse of Stark Tower, pouring himself a glass of scotch and asking a Loki who is welding the mind stone scepter if he wants a glass, too.

Tony doesn’t think, he doesn’t even know how he’s back at this moment, (it’s Strange who uses the time stone to send everyone back to important moments in their past to figure out how things went so wrong) but he’s not going to let this moment go. The bracelets are on his wrist as he goes through the motions, repeats words he said oh so long ago, words he played back in his lab while working on the Heartbreaker armor.

Loki's a scepter length away from him and the mind stone isn’t going to work and he’s going to defenestrate Tony out of frustration. Before the god can tap Tony with the scepter, he reaches out, grabs the lapels of the god’s coat and kisses him with everything he’s got.

He still gets tossed out the window, still sends the nuke up the portal to save New York. He still suffers from the PTSD after effects of the event, Killian still rises, SHIELD still falls. Ultron still happens, Steve and him still fight over the Accords and Tony still becomes Parker's mentor. For Tony, things are pretty much the same and it hurts him to spend the next few years reliving events where even if he doesn’t do exactly what he did the first time, the results are _still_ the same. He doesn’t break up with Pepper over Iron Man, it’s because his heart is stupidly with a god who probably hates him like crazy, but he says that’s what’s happened. This time he doesn’t stop being Iron Man because he knows he needs to still be active when Loki comes back and he doesn’t know when Loki will but he knows it’s going to happen.

This is the other life, where they could be friends and maybe more.

So, when that New Year’s Eve  happens and Tony goes out flying alone because he’s so fucking tired of everyone down his throat, he lands on that familiar barn house, disassembles his armor completely, and looks up at stars he knows will explode and open up for Thanos in just a few months.

Tony's not distracted by anger so he hears the footsteps this time around and takes a sharp breath to calm himself. He turns with a smile, taking in the gray hoodie, the ponytailed hair, the dark jeans, and those eyes. Those vibrant green eyes that are still full of affection despite their years apart. He wonders what happened for Loki since then, wonders how much his path has changed from just that one moment in the penthouse. Tony's heart beats in his throat, his hands are clammy like he’s fifteen talking to his crush not damn near fifty, but he knows things will be okay because no matter what, Loki falls for him. Only the cosmic powers that rule this universe know why, but in this life, Tony does too before it’s too late.

“For some reason,” Loki starts, voice small but emotional like he’s trying to remember something he’s forgotten, “I'm not surprised to see you here.”

_I know the reason._

Tony's smile gets wider. “For some reason, neither am I.”

_It's because we're in love._

**Author's Note:**

> might do loki's pov later but i like the ambiguity of not knowing how his reliving of the time between avengers and infinity war went.


End file.
